Prepartum Blues

I have been feeling really, really poorly lately, and that's why I haven't been posting. The reason I have been feeling so shitty is that I'm pregnant.

The first trimesters of my pregnancies have historically been hideous for me, absolutely the worst I have felt in my life. Sure, there were more painful times (corneal abrasions) and worse sicknesses, but they didn't last so frigging long. My previous two pregnancies were, I imagined, like being seasick on an Atlantic crossing in the days before steam: three or four months of inescapable misery, wondering why in God's name you ever signed on for this journey, getting so tired of the same sights around you, each so associated with nausea you would get twinges of it every time you even saw a painting of the sea for years to come.

I feel so horrible I cannot imagine how some women breeze through this period with no problems at all. It is really hard for me to believe this has to do with new life when I fell like I am dying. This time has been more like the worst hangover in the history of the world-- the nausea, the headache, the shakiness, the general feeling of having been poisoned, the swearing you will never, ever do it again. There's also a similarity to altitude sickness this time, which I have experienced flying from my two-feet-above-sea-level abode to Santa Fe when the fam still lived out there. That's the shortness of breath, heart pounding after the smallest exertion, wanting to always have cold air blasting in my face.

Every day right now is about when can I go to bed? That's 180 degrees from my normal night owl inclination. So instead of posting after the children are in bed, lately I am ensconced in my own bed watching TV until I conk out.

My personality is pretty much upside down right now. Football makes me physically ill because I came down with a fever at the South Carolina game and got sick sick on top of everything (and then I get to worry about having a bad fever in the first trimester). I couldn't even go into the stadium last week for the Auburn game. Food is my nemesis; obviously I have to eat, but finding something that won't make me projectile vomit is becoming difficult. I have even lost the will to shop.

The only bright spot is that I know it has to end sometime. It lasted 20 weeks with Bubba and 16 with Bubble; I'm 13 weeks now and praying to see the opposite shore very soon. The land of the second trimester is a bright and happy one, where I feel better than I ever have in my life. The third trimester gets a little uncomfortable and my deliveries have been a breeze; it's just the first trimester that is pure torture. So expect more sparse posting until my body can finally cope with this truckload of hormones.